Grieving feels as though I got punched in the stomach. It’s as if I ran into a brick wall and am forever winded. I wouldn’t say I’m afraid or worried, but I feel extremely frustrated, scared, confused, angry, alone and inevitably hopeless. I just feel off, like something is missing and find myself asking why too frequently. I’m restless, I’m zoned out, I’m numb, I’ve cried a lot, and I can’t seem to nap or fall asleep.
They say time heals wounds but right now it feels impossible to recover after hearing the news that a longtime friend whom I love passed away Monday morning. I was shielded from his death until Tuesday afternoon, probably for my own best interest since I was embarking on the transition into University.
I don’t really know how grief eventually gets better and becomes less intense because right now even the smallest of connections reminds me of his passing. Yesterday the motivational speaker talked about how so many frosh students lose a loved one but I never expected it to be me, or at least not in my first week back on campus. The back of my Brescia shirt says “My life was flipped turned upside down” which rings true to my current emotions, but again that isn’t what it was intended for (90s theme).
While I don’t blame myself, it’s hard not to live in regret and wish that I could reverse time. He was a nice guy. Anyone who knew him knew he was entertaining and full of joy. In fact, looking back the only memories I have were all positive. We weren’t best friends but we kept in touch despite attending different high schools. I remember when he came and watched me sew pants during a fashion competition. I associate coming in second place with his positive energy and big smile. He really did cheer me on and I enjoyed re-connecting with him over a pasta dinner that night.
A few weeks ago he was in the area and asked me to go for coffee with him. I turned him down and boy do I wish I hadn’t. It’s hard but I have to move on from feeling guilty because I know he would rather us all be happy than mourning.
I’m headed home for a celebration of his life this weekend. Knowing him was a gift and he will continue to live on in stories, pictures and fond memories. By no means was I his best friend, but it hurts just the same. I remember being in his company at cottages, him teasing me for being an overachiever, and up until recently, knowing a lot about what was going on in his life through text messages.
My condolences go out to his family and all of those who knew him. I am so blessed to have such nice friends here at Western to support me. Thank you again for the kind words, hugs and even snacks. It will be nice to return to Oakville so that I can remember his achievements alongside our mutual friends. Being only 20, he was taken from our lives much too soon and will forever be missed.
Words cannot describe how much you continue to mean to so many people. You will always make the world a better place. This post does not give your life justice at all. You are so loved. Rest in Peace. Heaven has gained an incredible Angel. ♥ Molly